


An Excercise in Pointlessness

by lavvyan



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, Character Death, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-01
Updated: 2010-01-01
Packaged: 2017-10-05 15:02:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/42985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lavvyan/pseuds/lavvyan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, it's not too late even when it is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An Excercise in Pointlessness

_ Teyla's face was uneasy when she returned from the negotiations._

"They are willing to give us their ZPM," she began, and Rodney let out a series of "Good, good, that's good, that's great," before she continued. "However, there will have to be a ritual first."

"A ritual," John echoed, judging from the way she didn't quite meet his eyes that he wasn't going to like whatever came next.

"Yes. They… want you and Dr. McKay to join."

John let out a startled laugh.

"They want us to what?"

Surely they weren't asking what he was thinking they were asking.

"They want you to... procreate," Teyla explained, looking uncomfortable.

They were.

"Sex," Rodney stated flatly, his eyes on Teyla. "They want us to have sex."

"Yeah, right, that would be a no." Many things could be said about John Sheppard, but that he was queer wasn't one of them. Despite all rumours saying otherwise.

"The Council is adamant," Teyla began once more, and the vague amusement John had felt vanished.

"Well, so am I. I'm not going to do the nasty with… with McKay, of all people. It would be like fucking my brother, for God's sake!"

He cast a quick glance towards Rodney, and sure enough, his friend's lips were pressed into a thin line. Neither of them wanted this. John looked back at Teyla.

"Tell them we're leaving."

~~~

They found another ZPM on an abandoned world, just lying around. They celebrated it by bringing a new section of the city online; geek heaven, it turned out to be. The first exploration teams reported one lab after another, some of them highly experimental, and the scientists practically fell over each other to get assignments to the new playground. This was where they finally found the answer to one of their most burning questions – how to recharge the ZPMs. And it was where they discovered a new type of drones, a half-built control chair mark II, external memory for the Ancient database. And then one day Radek's excited voice called them to come and stand around a particular piece of machinery.

"So what's this?" John asked and gestured at the thing that looked like one of those movie super computers, complete with wildly blinking lights.

"That," Radek pushed his glasses up, "is a part of the Ancients' research on time travel."

"A time machine?" Elizabeth wanted to know, a look of cautious awe on her face.

"Not quite, no. It lets a person go back to a specific point in time, yes, but once they arrive, it creates a bubble – a closed space-time field that evaporates as soon as the person returns."

"You are there, but you can't change anything," John translated.

Like a very advanced cyberspace. Cool.

"Yes. And you only get one hour, but the possibilities are incredible!"

"What kind of possibilities are we talking about?"

Radek smiled at Elizabeth, obviously pleased with her question.

"We can go back and talk to the Ancients. It won't have happened for them, but we will remember. We can visit any point in time or space, maybe get the communiqué the Aurora was trying to bring back to Atlantis. We can do further research on this, and maybe create a true time machine."

"Well," John drawled, "Sounds like fun."

He stared at the blinking lights, thinking.

One hour.

~~~

_ "So you aborted the mission," Elizabeth nodded when John finished his report._

"Yes. I didn't feel quite ready for 'aliens made me do it'."

John grinned, looking over at Rodney, silently inviting him to share the joke, but the other man kept his eyes on the briefing room table. Avoiding him, like he had all day. Okay, so the situation had been a little embarrassing, but not nearly enough for that level of discomfort. And surely Rodney couldn't be thinking...

A quick glance at Rodney's uncharacteristically still figure, and John decided that his scientist was in need of some reassurance. So when Rodney rushed out of the briefing room after Elizabeth had thanked them for their report, John followed.

"Hey, McKay, wait up!" he called, jogging to catch up with the scientist before he could step into the transporter.

"Colonel," Rodney said noncommittally, not looking at him, and John's irritation grew.

"Look, Rodney, I can understand you're" a quick glance to ensure they were alone, "you're still a little freaked out about the whole thing, but you know I never would have gone through with that… plan."

Rodney let out a short, hollow laugh.

"Right. I'm freaked," he muttered, still not meeting his eyes, and realization came with a sharp breath.

And a strangely hollow feeling John couldn't quite explain.

"You wanted it." He wondered how the hell he hadn't seen this coming. This was McKay, the guy who couldn't bluff to save his life, and here he had been keeping a secret so huge that everybody should have noticed on their first day. John felt strangely betrayed, and it made him spit out his next words: "You're gay, you wanted, you would have- how did you imagine it, tie me up, bend me over some altar and fuck me for the good of Atlantis?" McKay flinched at the raised voice, guilt flickering over his expressive face, and John took a step back, suddenly disgusted. "Jesus, McKay, that's just sick."

At that, McKay looked up, meeting his revulsion with haunted eyes.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

~~~

Teyla's face was uneasy when she returned from the negotiations.

"They are willing to give us their ZPM," she began, and Rodney let out a series of "Good, good, that's good, that's great," before she continued. "However, there will have to be a ritual first."

"A ritual," John echoed, because he stupidly felt like he had to.

"Yes. They… want you and Dr. McKay to join."

His laugh sounded lame in his own ears. But this was how he had reacted last time, so wouldn't it be strange if he didn't do it again?

"They want us to what?"

As if he didn't know.

"They want you to... procreate." Huh. Strange, how Teyla didn't really look uncomfortable so much as nervous. Apprehensive. As if she knew that nothing good could come out of this.

"Sex," Rodney stated flatly, his eyes on Teyla. "They want us to have sex."

"I…" It had sounded so easy in John's head, such a little thing to say, and now he was choking on the words. And then he realised he hadn't even thought about- "What, publicly?"

Rodney turned so fast he must have gotten whiplash, staring at John while Teyla answered, "No, the Council assured me that your privacy would be respected."

Ah. No altar, then. That was... that was good.

"Ah," he nodded, and Rodney's eyes were very blue, and very uncertain, and this whole situation was just fucked. There was a question in those eyes he really didn't want to answer. Partly because he couldn't.

"Colonel?"

"Hey, it's a ZPM," he said, and felt like the world's greatest asshole.

Maybe he was.

~~~

_ John finally managed to get over his disgust with McKay, if only to keep his team together, but things were strained between them, their friendship in pieces. _

Strange, to realise how much time they had really spent together when he had to look for other things to occupy himself. And strange, how the anger wouldn't go away, instead fuelled by his uneasiness, his mistrust, simmering quietly, but just beneath the surface.

He was avoiding McKay as much as he could. No longer using the public showers with the rest of his team, Teyla excluded. Visiting the mess hall at times when he knew the scientist was engaged otherwise. And he felt himself turning to see if McKay was checking him out more and more often, until the scientist snapped.

"I'm not going to put you in restraints and have my wicked way with you, Colonel, so drop it," he hissed, clearly annoyed, and John snorted, watching Ronon and Teyla walk in front of them, picking up the pace to give them some time alone.

"Like hell you wouldn't, McKay. I think we both know that if you got the chance, you'd fuck me without second thought."

"No, I'm not… I mean yes, if you… but it's not like that, I…" McKay stuttered, and John made the mistake to turn and glance at him. The haunted look was back, a picture of pain, fear and disappointment. Everything McKay was feeling, clear for anyone to read: abandonment, bitterness, and-

Oh. And what the hell had John been thinking, assuming it was just about physical satisfaction when he should have known that McKay was nothing if not emotionally involved? For all the effort the scientist put into appearing abrasive and self-reliant, John had rarely met a person who was so dependent on others, so quick to care. And they had almost been like brothers, so naturally McKay would care for him even more than he cared for anybody else on this expedition. Maybe more than for anybody else, period.

Funny, of all the possible things to break their closeness, he had never thought love would be among them. Not like this.

He walked away.

~~~

The room was kind of nice, actually, small and comfortable, not tacky at all. John busied himself with inspecting the blankets on the wooden bed, leaving it to Rodney to check their… supplies.

He was nervous, more nervous than he had thought he would be. His decision had been spur of the moment, and now the consequences loomed over him, dark and foreboding. He mentally kicked himself for being such a wimp; he was a soldier, God damn it, a Colonel, military commander of Atlantis, and a little physical contact didn't scare him.

Rodney's warm hand on his shoulder surprised him, and he couldn't entirely suppress his flinch. Rodney pulled back as though he had been stung, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring at John.

"What do you think you're doing?" he asked sharply.

"Negotiating," John answered lightly, reaching up to open his vest. "Come on, I know you want this, so let's get to it already."

Rodney didn't move.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Rodney," a hint of exasperation crept into his voice as he fumbled with the fastenings, "we don't have much time, so would you just get over here and get with the program!"

"What are you talking about, we have all the time we want, and I know for a fact that you're not gay, so what the hell do you think you're-" Rodney broke off, his eyes narrowed, and John could practically see the thoughts racing through his head. He let his hands sink to his side as Rodney looked him up and down with a calculating expression.

"You're not John Sheppard, are you? I mean, you are, just not the right one."

A loaded question if he had ever heard one. On some level he felt like he hadn't been 'the right one' for quite some time now.

"Rodney-" he took a step forward, starting to reach out when Rodney's eyes widened.

"Oh my God. I'm dead, aren't I?"

Leave it to the genius to jump straight to the right conclusion.

~~~

_ He heard the soft click of a safety pulled off, knowing that he was too slow, that this was it, even as he was reaching for his gun, turning around._

"John!" he heard Teyla yell, and Ronon, "Sheppard!"

He should have known, he thought stupidly, the whole mission had been too quiet, too friendly, too many smiles, but he had wished that, just once, it could be different. That just once, they could all go home and be satisfied with what they had achieved. And then a sharp noise, and McKay's blood, warm as it splattered across his face, blue eyes already glassy as McKay stumbled against him, fell. He caught him, lowering the scientist to the ground, one hand fingering for a pulse as he pressed the other against the heavily bleeding wound. The familiar charge of Ronon's gun as he shot the enemy, barely audible over the buzzing in John's ears. Barely penetrating his anger.

"Damn it, McKay, are you crazy?"

No answer, just blood welling up between his fingers, faint irregular heartbeat under his touch, empty eyes staring at the sky.

"You never got it, did you?" John went on, ignoring the blood bubbling up between McKay's lips. "The soldiers protect the scientists, not the other way around."

Still nothing but shallow, laboured breath. Then a soft wheeze, almost inaudible: "John."

McKay hadn't even listened, had he? Like fucking always.

"You fucking idiot," John hissed back, furious, bitter, pressing down on the wound, hard, even though he knew it wouldn't change anything at all.

Rodney died under his hands, bleeding out in a little under a minute.

~~~

"I discovered you wanted me. I freaked out. You took a bullet for me. You died," John summed it up, brutally honest, though what he was hoping to achieve with that he couldn't have said.

"And that, what, changed your mind?" Rodney started to pace the room, agitation clear in every step. "What are you looking for, absolution? A better goodbye?"

"No, I… this isn't for me."

Rodney snorted.

"Yeah, right. This won't even happen for me, Colonel."

"No, Rodney, listen, just… I just…" John took a deep breath. "I wanted you to have this. This," he ran a hand through his hair, "was the only chance you ever got, and I wanted you to have it. Look, I… can't say I love you back, because I don't. But I care about you, we're friends, you know that. And maybe… I thought it could be enough." He spread his arms, before letting them drop to his side again. "It's all I can give you. All I have to offer." His body, nothing more.

They sat on the bed, next to each other, silent for a long time.

"How much time do we have left?" Rodney asked finally.

John looked at his watch.

"Exactly four minutes." He let out a sigh. "That's not enough for anything."

This wasn't how he had thought it would go. A quick fuck, make Rodney happy, go back home. And if the others had known what he was planning, they never would have let him test the Bubble in the first place, probably sent him to Heightmeyer instead, but they hadn't even suspected. So here he was. Again.

"It's enough for…" Rodney swallowed hard, but went on. "I mean, you were all prepared to let me… despite being straight, so perhaps, um. Perhaps I could kiss you?" He looked so hopeful that it hurt.

"You could do that," John agreed slowly, sitting still as Rodney shyly reached for him, hands trembling slightly as they grasped his face.

"Can you, uh, close your eyes?"

He obeyed, feeling Rodney's warm breath on his lips a second before Rodney's mouth touched his, soft and hesitant. It was his gift to a dead man, and John didn't move, let Rodney's lips caress his own, slowly and with growing confidence. He opened his mouth when he felt the gentle nudge of a tongue, leaning in to Rodney as he started to explore, licking softly over John's lips, John's teeth, the insides of John's mouth, unhurried and patient, his hands caressing John's face, their touch as tender as Rodney's kisses.

_I don't love you,_ he thought, even as he was losing himself in this, the unexpected gentleness, the longing he could almost taste, the way his own arms came up to draw Rodney closer, soaking up his warmth. _I don't love you,_ as he sighed into the kiss, feeling Rodney's smile against his lips, inhaling Rodney's breath, feeling Rodney's heart race against his chest. _I don't love you,_ gasping as Rodney pulled away, that strange tingle tugging at him again, dragging him back. Rodney must have been counting the seconds to know when their time was up, and John didn't want to go, didn't want to leave, hadn't done what he had come here for.

"Goodbye," he could hear Rodney whisper, the quiet voice already overlaid by Atlantis' busy hum, and then he was gone, and John was back home.

He could go back there. Say it differently, do the right stuff, anything to make Rodney see that it was the only way, that it meant something, even if it didn't. But he wouldn't. He knew he wouldn't.

_ I don't love you._

When he opened his eyes, Radek was staring at him.

"Did it work?" Elizabeth asked from behind him, and he blinked.

"Colonel… you're crying," Radek said softly.

John reached up, and was surprised to find his cheeks wet with tears.


	2. Not Quite  A Sequel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Comment-ficlet: Two years later.

Once Radek figures out how to turn the Bubble into a real time machine, John goes back to before that messed-up mission and sits himself down to have a long, intense talk. About things like sacrifices, homophobia, and how to tell you're in love. He lays it all out, every painful detail, hoping that just hearing about it instead of living through it will be enough. That his otherself will have more sense than he had.

Then he's said everything he had to say, and there's nothing left to do but go back to his own time. He's tempted, oh-so-tempted, to sneak out into the city and find Rodney, to snatch a look because there's no telling what his brooding otherself will do. But he doesn't - _can't_ \- and so he closes his eyes and presses the button and goes back to the unhappy place he came from.

Only he doesn't. John looks around in amazement at the darkened, dusty lab he finds himself in. At the time machine, which is in such a sorry state it looks like nobody's ever worked on it at all. Certainly not Radek, who's as neat as they come.

And then the light comes on, and John holds his breath, because it's Rodney standing in the doorway, _Rodney,_ looking disgruntled and half asleep as he fixes a bleary glare on John.

"I don't care if you've decided to take up sleepwalking," he grouses, and rubs a hand over his face. "Come back to bed."

And for the first time in two years, John starts to cry.


End file.
